sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
