Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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