You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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