Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
