I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
