You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?