As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
