you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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