So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
