positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
