So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
