Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
