Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
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