So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize