i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You smell like stripper and shame
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
