Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
