I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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