So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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