i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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