i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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