Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She's the barista slut.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
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