Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
