shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
