Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
