He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
