Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
