thus making me awesome and them whores
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
