I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
