I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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