Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
