Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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