I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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