sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
