I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You're a waste of cheezeits
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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