i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The air was thick with penises
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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