You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
