I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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