The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
