He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
