I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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