Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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