who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
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You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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