have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
