sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
