my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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