I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
