JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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