I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
