pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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