yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
