yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
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I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
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its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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