My brain says no but my pants say off.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
