Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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