Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
