Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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