I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
