she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
