I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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