The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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